Something Joanne said last week struck a chord with me. “I always thought I could blog through anything…”
And that is so hard. As a blogger, we have to decide what to share, how, and when. And sometimes if. As a reader, no matter how much we share (and sometimes overshare), what you’re reading is still a very small piece of our life as a whole. Some bloggers only blog the very best parts. Some reveal everything, warts and all. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I try my best to keep it real.
But that being said, I still don’t share everything. Sometimes because it’s too painful at the time. Or it involves someone else and it’s not always my story to share. Or this isn’t the right space at the right time.
So while I don’t blog through everything, I do sometimes blog around something.
Sometimes it’s something I never plan to visit (or revisit) here. Sometimes it takes a little lot of time to get there. To the point that you’re able to share.
Now, over five years later, I’m ready to blog through an experience that we went through.
When I announced Madeline’s birth here 4-1/2 years ago, readers who don’t know me in real life were surprised.
That I was pregnant.
And that I managed to keep the secret for so long.
I did so for a few reasons.
The main reason is that I had miscarried right before I got pregnant with Madeline. Right when I was about to share the news of that exciting pregnancy here.
The bottom fell out.
It is truly one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Perhaps the hardest. I still continued blogging, around it, talking about perhaps everything else.
I was about three-and-a-half months pregnant, at the doctor for a regular check-up. And the tech couldn’t find the heartbeat.
I was numb. I can’t remember if The Ex was at the appointment with me. I think he was at work. Some of it, I have blocked out. It was someone else reading the results, not my doctor. Just a tech. I didn’t want to believe it. Was sure that she was mistaken. Calls to my OB resulted in another appointment that afternoon, to be sure.
She came in, and the result was the same. No heartbeat.
I felt like the floor had fallen out from beneath me.
Nick had been a ridiculously easy pregnancy. No cause for concern.
And this one had been exactly the same. Until then.
I wasn’t expecting it. No one was.
I had walked into the office that morning, expecting to be in and out in half an hour. And back at my office right after.
I felt like my world had been crushed. Turned upside down. And spit out in a million pieces.
…