Life After Divorce

by Cate on April 21, 2010

So I got the call yesterday.  From my attorney.  With my court date.

I emailed a friend and she replied right away with, “OMG, are you ok?”

I am.  Absolutely.

I knew the call was coming, and I knew the court date would be soon, but I’ve got to say, it did take my breath away for a brief moment.  It instantly made it all the more real.  In just a few weeks, I will be another kind of statistic.  A single mom of two.  Or divorced mom of two.  Is there a PC way of saying it?

It’s the final chapter in this particular book.  But as my friend pointed out, there is nothing different today than it will be after the court date.  It’s just official. The official day is more about the tax and legal implications.  The emotional aspects of it ended long ago.

It will be two weeks shy of our 12th anniversary.   It definitely tugs on my heartstrings a bit, even after a year of separation, that our 12th anniversary doesn’t mean anything anymore.  That that day now has a bit of a smudge on it.  That it’s over.  There were a good solid ten, ten and a half years, of a happy marriage to show for it though.  And now, I guess, there is a new anniversary.  The anniversary of the end.  Or the beginning.  It all depends on your perspective.

As plans for a girls weekend quickly got underway this morning, I told everyone that the weekend would not be a celebration of the divorce.  Divorce parties honestly make me cringe.  But rather, this is a celebration of a new beginning.  And I’m all for that, and I think it’s an important distinction.

I know one friend who might think this is a depressing post, but it is anything but.  I promise.  Am I a bit let-down that my marriage is weeks away from being officially over?  Of course I am.  Especially given the fact that there are two of the most amazing kids involved in the thick of it.  And that their history got instantly rewritten with our decision.  But disappointment aside, while this past year has been a little overly filled with challenges, there has also been a ton of goodness too.  No play-by-play necessary, but I am happy.  The kids are happy.  And after that, there is nothing more important.  The rest are just details.

My friend Beth (also divorced, but remarried) said this morning “sometimes divorce is a blessing.”  As negative a situation as it starts out, there have been some very definite positive things that have come about in the last year that I don’t think would have happened otherwise.  As cliched as it might sound, I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  It’s not always clear in the beginning, or heck, even in the middle or perhaps the end what the reasons may be, but things tend to end up the way they’re supposed to.  So yes, there IS life after divorce.  This is only the beginning of a brand new book, with fresh, clean pages just waiting to be turned.

Project 365
April 21, 2010, Photo #81

Our In House Model

The kids are very used to me and my camera capturing everything and anything by now, although I still get an occasional eye roll or deep sigh. Madeline went through a (thankfully) short-lived phase where she would give me one smile and if I didn’t get it, it was my own darn fault, because she wasn’t sitting still for another shot. Now, she’s flipped the coin. She will see something or do something and say “Mommy, picture!” And after I take it, she wants to see it. Folks, I have created a monster.

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

B April 21, 2010 at 10:43 pm

Great post. Love your attitude ….. that its a brand new book, with fresh new pages……..

That could apply to so many things, whenever someone has a new chapter to begin.

All the best to you.

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Trying to Cope April 21, 2010 at 11:45 pm

O.K. I am up much later tonight than the norm. I decided to go to the blog before bed as I was busy most of the day. The blog always gives me a smile or laugh etc……… NOT TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! I am now going to go to bed not too cheerful. You are taking the new beginning much better than me :)

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Kalynskitchen April 22, 2010 at 12:10 am

I admire everything about how you’ve handled this challenge. It has to be tough, but you have been remarkably positive and focused on the kids through it all. Best wishes for the future.

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Katrina April 22, 2010 at 12:11 am

Much joy to you in your future whatever it may be!

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Red Dirt Mummy April 22, 2010 at 1:44 am

I love your positive attitude. And I totally agree with you, it’s a new beginning and you’ll take what you’ve learnt – the good, the bad (and the downright ugly) and make use of those lessons as you move into the new chapter of your life. I’m sure I’m not alone in looking forward to hearing about that next part and all the wonderful things you do with it.

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Joanne April 22, 2010 at 6:20 am

I love how optimistic you are Cate, as you should be. This is a new beginning for you and the kids…one filled with happiness and adventures, as you’ve already proven so far.

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Cate April 22, 2010 at 8:09 am

Trying to Cope – I know. You are exactly who I was talking about when I said you’d think it was depressing. My third (fourth?) child, caught in the divorce. You will be fine. I promise. If I can handle it, I *know* you can. Should I start channeling some Annie? “The sun’ll come out tomorrow, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow …. there’ll be sun!” It’s been over a year, ya gotta snap out of it! :)

Joanne, B and Katrina – thank you!

Red Dirt Mummy – It has been definitely filled with lessons, and you’re right, not all pretty, but always onward and upward.

Kalyn – thank you! Are you going to BlogHer in NYC?

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Patsy April 22, 2010 at 8:26 am

I admire how positive you are, which I imagine your kids can see and feel as well. You are right, it’s just a new chapter with blank pages that are to be filled in with whatever life brings your way. I wish all of you the very best!

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mandy April 22, 2010 at 9:12 am

You are such an amazing person and I am so glad that you are looking at this as a new beginning because thats exactly what it is. It won’t be easy at times, sometimes there will be tears, but as long as there is happiness things will be ok. As a child of divorce, I know it can be devestating and heartbreaking but when you get through to the other side, you do realize that sometimes everything does happen for a reason. You are so right to celebrate this as a new chapter in your life and the lives of your children. Here’s to new beginnings…

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Karen April 22, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I was divorce lawyer for about 8 years. I have seen many gut-wrenching things, but as long as you and the ex can remain cordial for the kids’ sake, divorce can be blessing. I am glad you have a positive attitude about it. That is rare.

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Ramona April 22, 2010 at 2:45 pm

I also believe things happen for a reason. And I believe that I had to go thru many things to be where I am today.

Without the chain of events, I would never have been at the time and place in my life to have met My Man.

Happy New Beginning Party!

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Casey April 22, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Good for you……and I like your perspective. Keep up the good work!

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Josie April 22, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Just wanted to offer some long distance support. I admire your attitude and amazing mommy-skills. :) (and I am happy that you are planning a weekend for yourself! you deserve it!)

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romona tsao April 23, 2010 at 9:46 pm

totally understand where ur comin from … whatever the ‘reasons’ are for the divorce …. the KIDS come first … i am exactly where u r but it’s been a year of ‘officially’ being divorced & 2 yrs of seperation already …. there will be bittersweet moments/days … llike the anniversary etc …. but if ur blog says anythin bout u … u sound & seem to hve a positive outlook on life … be happy … love ur blog & the way ur pics look … the pinky tones etc ….

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pamela April 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm

Keep up with the positive attitude! And keep smiling!

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